Wednesday, 14 May 2008

• the monster that i am.

  all my life i've been called a monster. when i was in junior high, i was told by a teacher that i would become a serial killer when i grew up. even the good things i did were ascribed to bad motives. no, it wasnt bad parenting, it was teachers, counselors, adults at church, and peers.

  at the same time, i can count on one hand the number of friends i have had at any given time, and by friends i dont mean aquaintences who are nice to you, i mean real friends, the kind that will come into an empty classroom where you are cornered and throw your attacker accross the room. mostly, i was left to my own devices. i've been mocked, ridiculed and physically beaten by groups of people, with those who SHOULD have protected me turning a blind eye. though they always noticed when i defended myself.

  this has taught me two things; one terrible, the other terribly wonderful.

  1). violence, in greater doses is the best solution. this is the terrible lesson. this is the self fulfilling prophecy that others spoke over me so often when i was younger, and still do.  that i am a bad and violent person. the lesson i learned here is, respect will never come, but fear is the next best thing, and the quickest way to resolve a conflict is to IMMEDIATELY escalate it to a point that your opponent is not willing to go to. i can off the top of my head think of 3 times in my life, when i threatened to kill someone. it was no idle threat, but thankfully the threat is all it took.

  i learned that, in the physical, merely hurting someone who attacked you was no detterent, they would merely come back at a more oportune time, possibly with friends. the only way to deter an attack, physical or emotional, was to ensure that the attacker understood that the consequences would be permenant. and no one is to be trusted completely, something that has even encroached on my view of God. this was the terrible thing i learned, not from a "teacher" or a book, but through trial and error and experience. and it has proven difficult to unlearn

  2). ironicly, though i despised humanity,(i seriously had dreams of global genocide), i was, and still am fearcely protective. my hatred stemmed from the injustice i saw perpetrated on a daily basis, and i find it difficult not to jump into the frey when i see another being ganged up on. this seems like a contradiction, but i realize now, that what i hated was in fact the arrogance and cruelty people displayed, and i merely projected that on to the human race as a whole.

  this too has been problematic however, as when it comes to others, i can more easily find a good solution to a problem, but my own pride still blinds me when i myself am attacked. my defensiveness over rides my good sense and i tend to revert back into that killer instinct mode.

   

  im still learning alot about myself, and how to control those things within me that are contrary to what i wish to be. im thinking that this will be the place for that self discovery and repair.

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